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Lunch with the Taliban

Fountain Square with a Subway sandwich. Take a half-day off and extend the Holiday week-end. But an opportunity to catch some rays and read a little turns into an aural assault by a Christian Proselytizer accompanied by an ecclesiastical choir. Officially sanctioned, with a stage and a sound system and guards.

We’re living in an age of unrestrained fornication, I’m told. It’s depressing. It means I’m the only one not getting enough.

A lady thrusts a booklet in my face. I shake her off. Most people accept it but many leave it on the table or on their seat. I gather them up from the tables and seats nearby for the recycle bin but have second thoughts. I pluck one out of the green receptacle and begin to read. Rule #1 in the act of war is to know thy enemy. The booklet was written by Mr. Samuel Gipp in 2004. Stars and stripes are on the cover. The title is “We Are Americans”. Sarah Palin has already told us that there are “real Americans” and “others” so I assume that is what Gipp means.

Much of the booklet is devoted to cherry picked sayings by the Founding Fathers. The Founding Fathers had much to say about religion but it looks like we should ignore inconvenient utterings. There is no mention of Jefferson’s fervent argument for the separation of church and state. I also cannot find my favorite Ben Franklin quote, “Lighthouses are more useful than churches.” While I read, the Proselytizer on stage offers the “In God We Trust” phrase on our money as proof that the U.S. was founded on Christian principles.

“In God We Trust” was added to our currency in 1957, during the Eisenhower Administration.

The Proselytizer makes lots of references to Sodom and Gomorrah. He rails against unnatural and sinful sex. I mean, look! 

But back to the booklet:

“… the attention of Americans was carefully steered to less important but all-consuming pursuits…sports, education, world acceptance…” (emphasis mine)

– I guess we should be uneducated, isolationists.

“… hid their hatred for the God of America behind their insincere demand for “tolerance”… (emphasis mine)

– Okay, intolerant, uneducated isolationists.

“… through movies, public schools, and the “new morality” sex, alcohol, gambling, environmentalism, pornography and other addictive, destructive actions were introduced into the lives of unsuspecting Americans.” (emphasis mine)

– Children. Which one is not like the other?

“What Can You Do?”

 “Apologize to God. Wait! If you’re about to excuse your actions by blaming someone else, save your breath. Any cheap, intellectual midget can play the “Blame Game”. (emphasis mine)

–   Apparently midgets will not be tolerated. Especially cheap ones.

“The Faith of Our Fathers”

 “The resurrection of Jesus Christ is one of history’s undisputed facts…That tomb is still empty and can be viewed in the land of Israel today.”

–   An empty tomb is proof of resurrection from the dead? Really? We should talk more. You see, I have this bridge for sale.

“Think about it. The founders of all the other religions in the world are still dead. What good is a religion that can’t even get the founder out of the grave?”

–   I am truly speechless. But wait. Here’s my favorite.

“Define Yourself”

“One of the tactics of God-haters is to try to create a fog of doubt with confusing definitions of what America and Americans really are. When you hear an argument and come away confused, you know you have been attacked by someone who means you no good.” (emphasis mine)

–   Actually, when you hear an argument and come away confused, it might mean that you’re stupid.

Inside the booklet are two little pamphlets. One tells me that “False Christs are on the rise. Any man who claims to be the Messiah is insane unless he was virgin conceived.”

–  Did I mention my bridge? The one for sale.

The other pamphlet is from The Morning Star Baptist Church with a smiling Pastor Dan Ferrell and his clutching Stepford-wife Janie on the cover. Janie stands behind rather than beside the Pastor. It says that they “…believe that the way to finance the Lord’s work is by free-will offerings.”

 –   I’ll bet they do.

Here are 10 things I learned today:

  1. Everyone is fornicating all the time. Except me.
  2. Trust what our Founding fathers said. Remember, “Lighthouses are more useful than churches.”
  3. Education is a less important, all-consuming pursuit.
  4. Environmentalism is an addictive, destructive action.
  5. Samuel Gipp won’t tolerate “cheap, intellectual midgets”.
  6. The Religious Right are easily confused by arguments. There’s also # 3. Hmmmm.
  7. Public education wants children to be homosexual, drug addicted, alcoholics. (I must have been absent that day.)
  8. Pastor Dan Ferrell and his Stepford-wife Janie like free-will (and tax free) offerings.
  9. Jesus is a Zombie. Other religious founders are just dead.
  10.  Normal people should pray for the Rapture. Soon. So we can get some peace and quiet and get back to the important business of fornicating.


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